Scottish football has long inspired writers, broadcasters and commentators as much as it has players and supporters. Its clubs carry local histories, family traditions and identities that frequently find their way into novels, journalism, memoirs and public life. So if we ever need a side capable of winning the ball, protesting a refereeing decision in immaculate prose and producing a 900-page match report before full-time, we have the answer.
The squad contains enough crime fiction to make VAR feel underfunded, enough Kilmarnock heritage to require its own stand, and surprisingly one man from Maine whose affiliation with Buckie Thistle is surely the biggest coup in the history of the Highland Football League.
Goalkeeper
Iain Banks (Greenock Morton)
The late Iain Banks was one of Scotland’s most distinctive modern writers. His literary fiction, published under the name Iain Banks, includes The Wasp Factory, The Crow Road, Complicity and The Steep Approach to Garbadale. As Iain M. Banks, he became internationally renowned for the Culture series, beginning with Consider Phlebas.
A Greenock Morton supporter, Banks takes the goalkeeper’s jersey in this side. It is a position for someone who sees the wider picture, makes quick judgments and is prepared to operate independently when the rest of the team is under pressure. His imagination and originality make him a fitting choice to organise the team from between the sticks.
Defence
Stuart Cosgrove (St Johnstone)
Stuart Cosgrove is one of Scottish football broadcasting’s most recognisable voices. A journalist, editor, broadcaster and cultural commentator, he is widely known for Off the Ball, where his knowledge of Scottish football is matched by a sharp eye for argument, detail and character.
As a St Johnstone supporter, Cosgrove is selected at right-back. It is a position requiring discipline, concentration and an ability to assess what is developing in front of you. He may not be inclined to take every overlapping run, but few opponents would get down the wing without having their intentions thoroughly questioned.
He is the author of a widely praised body of non-fiction exploring soul music, Black American culture, politics and sporting history. His acclaimed Soul Trilogy -Detroit 67: The Year That Changed Soul, Memphis 68: The Tragedy of Southern Soul and Harlem 69: The Future of Soul - uses three defining years and cities to examine how music developed alongside profound social and political upheaval in the United States. Cosgrove has also written Young Soul Rebels: A Personal History of Northern Soul, Cassius X: A Legend in the Making, on the young Muhammad Ali, and Hey America!: The Epic Story of Black Music and the White House.
Hugh McIlvanney (Kilmarnock)
Hugh McIlvanney was one of Britain’s greatest sportswriters, celebrated for writing about football and boxing with rare depth, precision and humanity. Born in Kilmarnock, he worked for the Daily Express, The Scotsman and The Observer, and his work is collected in books including McIlvanney on Football and McIlvanney on Boxing.
McIlvanney is the natural captain at centre-back. His work understood that sport mattered because of its people, pressure and emotion rather than merely its results. In footballing terms, he would be the composed organiser, commanding in the air, assured in possession and capable of restoring order when a match begins to lose its shape.
William McIlvanney (Kilmarnock)
William McIlvanney was a novelist, poet and short-story writer whose work helped shape modern Scottish fiction. Born and raised in Kilmarnock, he wrote the influential Laidlaw novels - Laidlaw, The Papers of Tony Veitch and Strange Loyalties - as well as the celebrated working-class novel Docherty. He is often described as the “godfather of Tartan Noir”.
Alongside his brother Hugh, William gives this XI a strong Kilmarnock central defensive pairing. He would play at centre-half with intelligence and resilience, a defender more interested in positioning and anticipation than grand gestures, but entirely capable of making a difficult challenge when the situation demands it.
Val McDermid (Raith Rovers)
Val McDermid is one of Scotland’s most successful crime writers, known internationally for the Tony Hill and Carol Jordan series, the Karen Pirie novels and standalone work including A Place of Execution and The Distant Echo. Her writing combines careful research, narrative control and a strong sense of place.
Her association with Raith Rovers has been significant. McDermid was a lifelong supporter, sponsored the club and had the McDermid Stand named in recognition of that relationship. She ended her support and sponsorship in 2022 following Raith’s signing of David Goodwillie, a decision that highlighted the seriousness with which she viewed the club’s responsibilities.
In this team, she takes the left-back role. Her crime-writing background makes her an ideal reader of danger, someone able to identify a developing problem early, close off the obvious routes and make sure nobody gets away with anything cheaply.
Midfield
Chris Brookmyre (St Mirren)
Chris Brookmyre is one of Scotland’s most original contemporary crime writers. His novels combine thriller plotting with black comedy, politics, action and social commentary. His work includes Quite Ugly One Morning, Boiling a Frog, A Big Boy Did It and Ran Away, Pandaemonium and The Cut. He is also a prominent St Mirren supporter.
Brookmyre fits naturally on the right side of midfield. His fiction is energetic and unpredictable, often moving quickly between humour, danger and surprise. That translates neatly to a wide player capable of changing the rhythm of a game, creating something unexpected and ensuring that even a routine fixture retains an edge.
Ian Rankin (Raith Rovers and Cowdenbeath)
Ian Rankin is the creator of Inspector John Rebus and one of the defining figures in Scottish crime writing. His work includes Knots and Crosses, Black and Blue, Set in Darkness, Rather Be the Devil and A Heart Full of Headstones. The Rebus novels have made Edinburgh a central location in modern crime fiction, combining police procedure with politics, class and social change.
Rankin’s football loyalties are rooted in Fife, with family connections to both Raith Rovers and Cowdenbeath. He has written about this divided allegiance, noting the unusual mix of family support around those two clubs.
He is selected in central midfield because he is the side’s problem-solver. He reads situations carefully, notices details others miss and keeps the game moving. If there is a loose ball, an unexplained gap between the lines or an opponent attempting something suspicious, Rankin is likely to be first to it.
Irvine Welsh (Hibernian)
Irvine Welsh is one of the most influential Scottish novelists of the past three decades. His debut, Trainspotting, became a major cultural phenomenon, while later work including Filth, Glue, Porno, Skagboys, Crime and The Blade Artist cemented his reputation as a bold and uncompromising writer.
A Hibernian supporter, Welsh has consistently drawn on Edinburgh, Leith and the people who inhabit those worlds. He occupies the second central-midfield role as a player with imagination, force of personality and the willingness to take responsibility in high-pressure moments. He may not always choose the conventional pass, but he is unlikely to be ignored.
Billy Connolly (Celtic)
Billy Connolly is best known as a comedian, musician, artist, actor and storyteller, but his work has also appeared in memoirs, travel writing and illustrated books. His published titles include Windswept and Interesting, Tall Tales and Wee Stories and Made in Scotland. Across stand-up, television, music and writing, Connolly became one of the most important and distinctive voices in Scottish popular culture.
A Celtic supporter, he operates from the left of midfield in this XI. His role is to provide imagination, width and an element of surprise. Every football team needs someone who can lift the atmosphere, make difficult things look straightforward and remind everyone that sport is also meant to be enjoyed.
Attack
Stephen King (Buckie Thistle)
Stephen King is among the most commercially successful and influential writers in modern publishing. His novels include Carrie, The Shining, The Stand, It, Misery, The Green Mile and 11/22/63. Across horror, fantasy, crime and suspense, he has produced a body of work remarkable for its scale, popularity and consistency.
King’s association with Buckie Thistle began in 2020, when he included the Highland League club in the title story of his collection If It Bleeds. King reportedly chose Buckie Thistle after looking through Scottish clubs and being drawn to what he called its “gorgeous name”; in the story, American boys become Jags supporters through a pen-pal link with pupils in Scotland. After the book’s release, King donated two signed copies to the Moray club to support a fundraising auction. Buckie responded by sending him club merchandise, and King was pictured wearing the green-and-white shirt and scarf, prompting the club to declare him a “fully fledged Jags fan”. He has continued that connection, including making a further donation to the club during its recent financial difficulties.
King’s connection with Buckie Thistle gives the side a Highland League flavour and an international dimension. He is selected as the principal striker for one obvious reason - output. Few writers have been as consistently prolific, and few forwards would be better equipped to turn limited opportunities into goals.
David F. Ross (Rangers)
David F. Ross is a Scottish novelist whose work combines music, humour, working-class life and an eye for the emotional detail of communities and relationships. His novels include The Last Days of Disco, The Rise of Miraculous Vespas, Welcome to the Heady Heights and The Man Who Loved Islands.
A Rangers supporter, Ross is the second striker in this formation. He offers energy, movement and a willingness to link the play. While King provides the ruthless final touch, Ross is the player who drifts into space, brings others into the game and ensures the attack has a connection to the midfield rather than relying entirely on individual moments.
Substitute
Doug Johnstone (Arbroath)
Doug Johnstone is a novelist, journalist and musician whose fiction regularly explores family, class, loss and violence. His books include Gone Again, Fault Lines, The Big Chill, Breakers and the Skelfs series, beginning with A Dark Matter.
An Arbroath supporter, Johnstone is named on the bench and provides depth across the squad. His writing has a strong sense of place and community, qualities that suit a football club as much as a novel. He is the dependable figure who understands that a successful side requires more than star names it needs discipline, character and people willing to do the less glamorous work.
Management
Quintin Jardine (Motherwell)
Quintin Jardine is one of Scotland’s most prolific crime writers. He is best known for the Bob Skinner series, which began with Skinner’s Rules, and has also written the Oz Blackstone and Primavera Blackstone novels. His work has made him a familiar name in Scottish crime fiction over several decades.
As a Motherwell supporter, Jardine takes charge from the dugout. His preferred 4-4-2 is practical rather than fashionable - clear roles, a solid spine and enough experience to know that not every match needs to become an experiment. In a squad populated by strong personalities, he is the right manager to keep the focus on the result.
Liam McIlvanney (Kilmarnock)
Liam McIlvanney is a crime writer and academic whose novels include All the Colours of the Town, Where the Dead Men Go and The Quaker. He also completed The Dark Remains, the final Laidlaw novel, from material left unfinished by his father, William McIlvanney.
A Kilmarnock supporter, just like his Dad and Uncle, he takes the assistant manager’s role. He represents the continuity between generations in Scottish crime writing while also bringing a contemporary perspective to the squad. In footballing terms, he is the coach who respects the club’s traditions while ensuring the team has the flexibility to respond to the demands of the modern game.
A side built on place
What connects this XI is not simply a shared Scottish football allegiance. It is the importance of place in the writers’ work and lives.
Kilmarnock, Kirkcaldy, Cowdenbeath, Paisley, Greenock, Edinburgh, Perth, Arbroath, Motherwell, Glasgow and Buckie are more than points on a fixture list. They are communities with their own language, history, humour and footballing memory. For many of these writers, those same qualities have shaped the settings, characters and concerns of their work.
This is not a team likely to keep its football simple. It has too many analysts, storytellers and strong opinions for that. But it would be organised, thoughtful and deeply rooted in the towns and terraces that make Scottish football worth writing about.
Do you have any honourable mentions to add to the squad? Let us know in the comments.